This is exactly what I felt and continue to feel and I knew it. I have looked inward and have become a better person for myself, those around me and those I come across daily. I would have never seen this before estrangement, and would not wish estrangement on anyone, however like you said I found the door and opened it inward. It's like growing up living close to your family and taking advantage that they are there. I moved away where I did not know anyone and hated it. I found myself going back home and spending time with my uncle almost on a daily basis which I would have never done before I moved. After 3 months I went back to where I moved to still missing family and friends, but it was different than before. About a year later my uncle passed away and I felt this move was a blessing from God because of the time I spent with my uncle. I had to look inward and reflect on what that time meant to me. This was just before my daughter was born and my uncle told my mom I hope David has a girl..I thank God for his favor, receive his blessing, and want to spread his goodness every day, even multiple times day...God is Great lean on him...
I needed to hear this today. I believe it is my time to turn and see myself as God meant me to be. But most of all to give my children back to God where they belong. I will trust in the Lord…
Makes perfect sense! I plan to go to Coleman’s one day seminar in Chicago on July 31st. Let the silent retreat and Chicago event marinate till her birthday in October. Hopefully my amends letter, is the gifts and words she has been wanting to hear and deserves. It may not open any doors, and I will live with that with little expectation. Other than saying kindness from her mom she deserves. I just could not hear….some of the things she said for years to me. Now I do.
I am not estranged from a child or a parent, but I’m interested in this phenomenon, so I read it when a friend posted it on Facebook. And even though I’m not in this devastating place you have been, this terrible place where so many still are, even though it’s not my portal and I can only imagine the depth of your suffering born from this specific experience of estrangement from your beloved, I still found so much resonance and wisdom. You are touching on something way beyond estrangement, as you know, as you write yourself: “…the estrangement from the Self that was there before any of this began. And it is that one, finally remembered, that changes everything.” There is always hope. We can awaken and claim our aliveness from the shadows.
Elizabeth, I love what you captured here. I’m glad it wasn’t your path, but clearly your compassion is evident, as well as your understanding that deeply we are all one. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate it so much.
I believe what you say is true. It has taken almost 2 years of painful estrangement from my adult children...and now I finally see what they have been saying. They used shaming and blaming words...but I can get past that now...and just see they are hurt. I love & miss them so much. As a single mom I have had to be strong, worker harder than most...and there was not much leftover to give to them in listening empathically, being respectful of their space...and I was just bossy, as I did not want them to be hurt by life's cruelties and a mean Dad. I always showed up, did all the right things, fed them, clothed them, drove them, educated them....and after 30 years in Recovery, I think I see what they wanted from me but I did not give them. I just realized it this week! I am going to a 3 day silent retreat ( ugh- sounds awful but I am going to try it) in July. I will write a brand new amends to them coming from a totally different place this time. I am hopeful about them, Proud of them for their self care. I know it was hard. and finally...and finally thriving in spite of this painful learning experience. Kathleen
What you've just described… moving from hearing shaming and blaming words to seeing the hurt underneath them, that’s real awareness. In two years you found what some people never find at all.
And a silent retreat. Yes. Go. Something happens in that kind of silence that no amount of talking or processing can reach.
I want to gently sit beside you on one thing though, and not to dim what you're feeling, because what you're feeling is real and right and hard won.
The insight is the gift. Not what you do with it next.
An amends written from a new place is a beautiful thing. And I'd invite you to write it — for yourself. Let it live there for a while. Let the retreat settle. Let the understanding deepen without rushing it toward an outcome.
Because here is what I've watched, and I say this with so much compassion. Our children can feel the difference between a letter that comes from genuine change and one that comes from hope for a response. Even when we can't.
The work you're doing is exactly right. Now it just needs consistency and integration, and that takes time. I hope this makes sense.
This is exactly what I felt and continue to feel and I knew it. I have looked inward and have become a better person for myself, those around me and those I come across daily. I would have never seen this before estrangement, and would not wish estrangement on anyone, however like you said I found the door and opened it inward. It's like growing up living close to your family and taking advantage that they are there. I moved away where I did not know anyone and hated it. I found myself going back home and spending time with my uncle almost on a daily basis which I would have never done before I moved. After 3 months I went back to where I moved to still missing family and friends, but it was different than before. About a year later my uncle passed away and I felt this move was a blessing from God because of the time I spent with my uncle. I had to look inward and reflect on what that time meant to me. This was just before my daughter was born and my uncle told my mom I hope David has a girl..I thank God for his favor, receive his blessing, and want to spread his goodness every day, even multiple times day...God is Great lean on him...
Thank you for sharing this David. That's not just a beautiful story. That's exactly what the door swinging inward looks like in a life.
Thank you for leaving this here. Someone needed to read it today. Me.
I needed to hear this today. I believe it is my time to turn and see myself as God meant me to be. But most of all to give my children back to God where they belong. I will trust in the Lord…
Makes perfect sense! I plan to go to Coleman’s one day seminar in Chicago on July 31st. Let the silent retreat and Chicago event marinate till her birthday in October. Hopefully my amends letter, is the gifts and words she has been wanting to hear and deserves. It may not open any doors, and I will live with that with little expectation. Other than saying kindness from her mom she deserves. I just could not hear….some of the things she said for years to me. Now I do.
Loved stumbling upon this today.
I am not estranged from a child or a parent, but I’m interested in this phenomenon, so I read it when a friend posted it on Facebook. And even though I’m not in this devastating place you have been, this terrible place where so many still are, even though it’s not my portal and I can only imagine the depth of your suffering born from this specific experience of estrangement from your beloved, I still found so much resonance and wisdom. You are touching on something way beyond estrangement, as you know, as you write yourself: “…the estrangement from the Self that was there before any of this began. And it is that one, finally remembered, that changes everything.” There is always hope. We can awaken and claim our aliveness from the shadows.
Elizabeth, I love what you captured here. I’m glad it wasn’t your path, but clearly your compassion is evident, as well as your understanding that deeply we are all one. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate it so much.
I believe what you say is true. It has taken almost 2 years of painful estrangement from my adult children...and now I finally see what they have been saying. They used shaming and blaming words...but I can get past that now...and just see they are hurt. I love & miss them so much. As a single mom I have had to be strong, worker harder than most...and there was not much leftover to give to them in listening empathically, being respectful of their space...and I was just bossy, as I did not want them to be hurt by life's cruelties and a mean Dad. I always showed up, did all the right things, fed them, clothed them, drove them, educated them....and after 30 years in Recovery, I think I see what they wanted from me but I did not give them. I just realized it this week! I am going to a 3 day silent retreat ( ugh- sounds awful but I am going to try it) in July. I will write a brand new amends to them coming from a totally different place this time. I am hopeful about them, Proud of them for their self care. I know it was hard. and finally...and finally thriving in spite of this painful learning experience. Kathleen
Kathleen.
This is beautiful.
What you've just described… moving from hearing shaming and blaming words to seeing the hurt underneath them, that’s real awareness. In two years you found what some people never find at all.
And a silent retreat. Yes. Go. Something happens in that kind of silence that no amount of talking or processing can reach.
I want to gently sit beside you on one thing though, and not to dim what you're feeling, because what you're feeling is real and right and hard won.
The insight is the gift. Not what you do with it next.
An amends written from a new place is a beautiful thing. And I'd invite you to write it — for yourself. Let it live there for a while. Let the retreat settle. Let the understanding deepen without rushing it toward an outcome.
Because here is what I've watched, and I say this with so much compassion. Our children can feel the difference between a letter that comes from genuine change and one that comes from hope for a response. Even when we can't.
The work you're doing is exactly right. Now it just needs consistency and integration, and that takes time. I hope this makes sense.
Keep going Kathleen. The heart knows the way…