The Mirror Between Us
A gift you give her, this Mother's Day
Dear Estranged Child,
If you’re an adult child navigating estrangement, this was written for you.
Not to tell you what to do. Not to take sides. But to show you something you may not have been able to see from where you’re standing.
The Same Pain, Different Corners
Every day, I read the same words, different forums, different audiences, but the same pain.
One group is full of adult children. The other, parents. Both estranged. Both heartbroken. And both convinced they are the ones who were left bleeding on the floor.
Each group believes they are protecting themselves from harm. Each group is certain the other side is blind to the truth. And each group, unknowingly, is saying the exact same thing.
“No contact was the only way to protect myself.”
“I had to walk away to survive.”
“They were toxic. They’ll never change.”
“My therapist said this was abuse.”
“I’ve done the work - they haven’t.”
“They’ve been brainwashed.”
“I just want peace.”
It doesn’t matter which side you’re on. Read those words again. They show up in every corner of this estrangement world, just wearing different faces.
We speak these words like armor. We pass them around in comment sections like communion. And we don’t notice that while we are swallowing the pain, we’re also feeding the divide.
It’s Not a Wall - It’s a Mirror
What we often miss is that our pain is the same.
The betrayal, the confusion, the desperate grasp for answers… mirrored.
You say they ghosted you.
They say you never really saw them.
You say they’re rewriting history.
They say you never owned yours.
You say you were a good parent.
They say they were an innocent child.
And maybe… both things are true.
Estrangement isn’t just a wound. It’s a system. A closed-loop of pain, silence, and stories that reinforce themselves. The more you stay in your corner, surrounded by others echoing the same narrative, the harder it becomes to see the person on the other side as human.
That’s how we lose each other for good.
We have to be careful not to dehumanize people we disagree with. In our self-righteousness, we can easily become the very things we dislike in others.
The Hardest Truth
And maybe that’s the hardest part to see: Not just that she hurt you… but that she may not know how to find her way back.
What if you could be the one who softens first, and not because you were wrong, but because you’re ready to stop hurting in the same ways?
I’m not here to tell you to reconcile.
Perhaps some doors really do need to stay closed. Perhaps some people really aren’t safe.
But if you’re still reading, chances are you’re not here to build a permanent wall. You’re here because something in you wonders if there’s still a thread to hold.
This Is What Healing Actually Means
If you want peace, you can’t just wait for them to change.
You have to change the way you see them, and yourself.
Otherwise, you’re not healing. You’re just hardening.
Estrangement is real. So is the pain of separation.
But so is the possibility that you’re not the only one hurting.
We all look into the mirror and want to believe we’re the wounded one.
But healing starts when you realize, the person on the other side is staring back with the same broken heart.
A Mother's Day Note - For You To Give To Her
Mother’s Day is coming. A holiday that feels tender, or hollow, or complicated. Depending on where you're standing.
But here’s something I want you to know:
To a mom, every day is Mother’s Day.
Not because she wants flowers or cards, but because she remembers the day you were born.
She holds it in her soul.
She carries it even when you don’t speak.
Even if she got it wrong.
Even if she couldn’t see you the way you needed.
Even if you had to walk away.
She remembers.
The day you were born. Your first laugh. The sound of your shoes running down the hall.
She carries it like a breath.
Even now.
Especially now.
So if these words opened something in you… a pause, a recognition, a softening, this is your invitation.
This piece was written for you to give her.
However feels right. A text with the link. An email. Printed, mailed or left somewhere she’ll find it. You don’t have to add a single word. This can say it for you.
Not as a guilt trip. Not as a resolution. Just as a mirror.
“I see myself in you.
I don’t want to keep making each other the enemy.
Maybe we’re both still hurting in the same ways.”
Sometimes healing doesn’t begin with a solution.
Sometimes it begins with just a little willingness to look in the mirror and see the reflection.
And maybe this Mother’s Day… that’s how it begins.
✦ Reflect ✦ Share ✦ Open Your Heart
My sweet friend,
I've been where you are… as a daughter and as a mother.
I know what it costs to reach first. I also know what it feels like to wish someone had.
Can you allow yourself to soften? Can you see your situation differently? Have you ever caught yourself using these same words, and hearing them from the other side?
We don’t need to agree on everything.
But we do need to recognize ourselves in each other, and perhaps this is how we begin to move Beyond the Silence.
As a mother and a daughter, I am with you on this journey,
And if this found its way to you, Mom — I see you too. What your child just did took courage. So did opening it.
When you’re ready to talk with someone who has walked this from both sides, I’m here. I’d love to offer you a free 15-minute conversation — no agenda, just a space to be heard.
Here’s how to share:
1. Use the “Share via email” button (no subscription needed)
Substack posts can be emailed directly from the site. At the bottom of this post, you can
Click the envelope icon (✉️) or "Share via Email"
Enter your mother’s email
Send the full post, no Substack account required to read it
2. Send the public link
https://estrangednetwork.substack.com/p/the-mirror-between-us-ecc
Paste it into a personal email, text message, or even print it out
The person receiving it can read the post without needing to sign up.
3. Download the PDF or copy the text to a word doc
Download the printable PDF I created especially for you to share with her, softly, carefully, without explanation. Print it. Mail it. Email it. Leave it where she'll find it. Click below to download.
"We have to be careful not to dehumanize people we disagree with. In our self-righteousness, we can easily become the very things we dislike in others."
This is an important message to remember not only in estranged situations, but in all our relationships.
This is so important.
I know that I'm not ready to show this kind of vulnerability. Also, I am more ready than I was a year ago. It is a goal and this post reminds me to focus on opening.
Is my daughter trying to open as well?
I can't know. Really it's none of my business.
The situation causes our bodies to protect us. Overriding that instinct is our work.